This is my very own Vagina Monologue. It is an entirely true story from my own life. I hope you can get a laugh out of it and maybe even learn something. This is a story that I've been sitting on for some time. After seeing Ottawa's performance of The Vagina Monologues at the Bronson Centre last night, I feel like I need to share it.
I was 15 when we started dating. He was 17 and the first man I willingly had sex with. I didn't know it at the time, but we would go on to see each other on an off for 4 and a half years, finally parting ways permanently when I was 19. He was the one who I began learning about sex from. I wish I had known what a bad teacher he was, but when compared to my Catholic High School Phys-ed teacher, he seemed like a guru.
One day we were hanging out with another couple and we came across some graffiti of a naked lady. Now, don't picture a pinup girl. We're talking green spray paint, and only green spray paint. This green woman was comparable to a Ziggy cartoon character. The other 3 found this picture incredibly amusing. As elementary as it seemed, the artist, if you could call them that, had drawn a little bauble for a clitoris. I didn't understand. I had only ever heard the word "clitoris" before and I had never bothered to look it up. My confusion got the better of me - I had to ask. My boyfriend became extremely embarrassed. My own naivety showed that I was not the only one who didn't know where my clitoris was.
I had realized that there were many blanks left to fill from my so-called sex education. The Catholic School system had failed me miserably. (I was having uninformed, unprotected sex at age 15. The schools could have at least taught us about condoms. Sure, I knew they existed - but did I know how they work? No. And you can safely assume that my partners, as a young teenager, took advantage of my miseducation) I took it upon myself to read up on and experience everything I could so that I would know and understand what I was doing and what was being done to me. I explored partner sex to a degree that most people didn't even fathom of, but I never explored my vagina or masturbation.
Let's skip ahead to when I was 17. A close girl friend has become open about her masturbating habits. She gives herself amazing orgasms and she wants to share with me. Why? -Because I don't masturbate. I don't just say this out of shame. I still don't know where my clitoris is, rather, I'm convinced I don't have one. I still refuse to experiment with masturbation, although I had become a very liberal sexual being when it came to my partners.
It was during an impromptu orgy with some of my friends that I finally found my clit. It was not an amazing moment of clarity or realization; and it was not a surprise orgasm. No. I asked one of the other girls to look because I couldn't find it and I didn't think I had one. She was a stripper at a local bar and for some reason I thought that this made her a qualified candidate for clitoral spelunking. After about 3 or 4 minutes of her poking and prodding at my splayed vagina with her dangerous fake nails she found it. "Holy Shit!" She said "It's tiny! You almost don't have one." She showed me where my dwarf of a sex organ was. In time I began to hone a masturbating technique to coax orgasms out of myself.
This was not an overnight sensation. It took months and months. One day I finally bought a vibrator and I was hooked. I was a woman empowered, I no longer needed my "liberal" sexuality or even a partner at all.
The on/off boyfriend and I got back together again after several months separation. It had turned out in that time that someone else had taught him about clitoral stimulation. The sex between he and I was suddenly phenomenal, it was just too bad that by this point the only interest we had in one another was sexual. He and I don't speak anymore. My clit and I, however, are the best of friends. Last time I checked, the green lady was still where we left her, clitoris intact.
The Vagina Monologues will be performed again this evening at The Bronson Centre in honour of V day. All proceeds are going towards ending violence against women via the Sexual Assault Support Centre of Ottawa. This is a cause close to my heart. Please show your support! http://www.ottawavday.ca/
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Bottom 10's: The Lost Categories
The Worst Music To Have Playing During Sex
10. Majic 100 radio - Tristan
9. Big Shiny Tunes 6 - Tyler
8. Scottish Bagpipes - Bliss
7. Dolly Parton - Jeff L
6. Marilyn Manson - disposable teens - Roxy
5. Eiffel 65 - blue(dabadee) - James
4. I'm the only gay eskimo - Ellie
3. New Kids On The Block - Sharpe
2. Me singing while fucking her - Jeff W
1. CJOH News - Dano
The 10 worst pickup lines
10. Hey baby, does this cloth smell like chloroform to you? - Jeff W
9. If we were a couple of squirrels would you let me bust a nut in your hole? - Hayden
8. Wanna go halves on a baby? - Marie
7. Lick your finger, touch yourself, touch her and say "Hey baby, let's you and me go and get out of these wet clothes" (and it worked) - Jeff L
6. Yo, my friend wants your number - Kayla
5. Are you an angel? cuz i just got an erection! - James
4. I need the best hooker in town (said while stroking my arm)- Ellie
3. I forced an Irish accent and said "if you like bailey's, you need to try THIS irish cream" - Sharpe
2. How much does a polar bear weigh...? Enough to break the ice - Carly
1. I'd buy you a drink, but let's skip the foreplay. - Jenn
The 10 worst places to have sex (as experienced by UpFront readers)
10. The drivers seat of a Volkswagen Jetta - Ronnie
9. On a pool table at McClaren's (we were told to stop, so we moved to the bathroom) - Anne
8. In a sauna - Dave
7. On a bunch of rocks in a Kanata nature trail - Bruce
6. A stand up shower built for what seemed like half a person - Megan
5. In the butt - Michelle
4. In the unheated hallway of an abandonned motel in the middle of Saskatchewan in January - Ellie
3. On the hood of a muddy pickup truck in the dark in the forest. My feet were wet and muddy, and I almost ripped a wiper off; it was like a slip and slide! - Jenn T
2. The bathroom of a kids sports/lasertag place after hours. there was no where to do it but the cold, hard, dirty floor - Vicky
1. A Wheelbarrow - Roxy
Honourable mention: Public washrooms across Canada
10. Majic 100 radio - Tristan
9. Big Shiny Tunes 6 - Tyler
8. Scottish Bagpipes - Bliss
7. Dolly Parton - Jeff L
6. Marilyn Manson - disposable teens - Roxy
5. Eiffel 65 - blue(dabadee) - James
4. I'm the only gay eskimo - Ellie
3. New Kids On The Block - Sharpe
2. Me singing while fucking her - Jeff W
1. CJOH News - Dano
The 10 worst pickup lines
10. Hey baby, does this cloth smell like chloroform to you? - Jeff W
9. If we were a couple of squirrels would you let me bust a nut in your hole? - Hayden
8. Wanna go halves on a baby? - Marie
7. Lick your finger, touch yourself, touch her and say "Hey baby, let's you and me go and get out of these wet clothes" (and it worked) - Jeff L
6. Yo, my friend wants your number - Kayla
5. Are you an angel? cuz i just got an erection! - James
4. I need the best hooker in town (said while stroking my arm)- Ellie
3. I forced an Irish accent and said "if you like bailey's, you need to try THIS irish cream" - Sharpe
2. How much does a polar bear weigh...? Enough to break the ice - Carly
1. I'd buy you a drink, but let's skip the foreplay. - Jenn
The 10 worst places to have sex (as experienced by UpFront readers)
10. The drivers seat of a Volkswagen Jetta - Ronnie
9. On a pool table at McClaren's (we were told to stop, so we moved to the bathroom) - Anne
8. In a sauna - Dave
7. On a bunch of rocks in a Kanata nature trail - Bruce
6. A stand up shower built for what seemed like half a person - Megan
5. In the butt - Michelle
4. In the unheated hallway of an abandonned motel in the middle of Saskatchewan in January - Ellie
3. On the hood of a muddy pickup truck in the dark in the forest. My feet were wet and muddy, and I almost ripped a wiper off; it was like a slip and slide! - Jenn T
2. The bathroom of a kids sports/lasertag place after hours. there was no where to do it but the cold, hard, dirty floor - Vicky
1. A Wheelbarrow - Roxy
Honourable mention: Public washrooms across Canada
Monday, February 18, 2008
Jeffree Star
If anyone out there in internet land paid attention to my last installment of recommended fuck tunes you may notice a trend. I love synth and electronica and I'm just gonna keep forcing on you ;) A modern orgy just isn't right without industrial or synth punk blaring in the background, trust me. (Pretty coloured pillows and dirty mirrors help the ambiance too)
Jeffree Star is the newest music discovery of mine and I'm infatuated. He's a self-made, conceited, drag queen cewebrity and I love him! His look reminds me of David Bowie and his music makes me think of what a gay bar would be like if they played fewer techno remixes of The Villiage People and more original tunes . One of his lyrics is "Let me show you how it works. I like it hard." How hot is that? I know I'm wet. This guy is so fucking glam, he has envious pink hair and he rolls with Perez Hilton and Davey Havoc. How fabulous!
Jeffree Star isn't for everybody, but if you like to dance or fuck or get high or any combination of the aforementioned - prepare to indulge.
Check out Jeffree Star while I go change my panties.
Jeffree Star is the newest music discovery of mine and I'm infatuated. He's a self-made, conceited, drag queen cewebrity and I love him! His look reminds me of David Bowie and his music makes me think of what a gay bar would be like if they played fewer techno remixes of The Villiage People and more original tunes . One of his lyrics is "Let me show you how it works. I like it hard." How hot is that? I know I'm wet. This guy is so fucking glam, he has envious pink hair and he rolls with Perez Hilton and Davey Havoc. How fabulous!
Jeffree Star isn't for everybody, but if you like to dance or fuck or get high or any combination of the aforementioned - prepare to indulge.
Check out Jeffree Star while I go change my panties.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Veronica Fever
I'm only going to explain this once more.
My name is Veronica.
Raw Knee is a pseudonym. Back in the teenage years my peers often opted to call me "Ronnie". I never really liked it. At one point I said "If you're going to call me Ronnie you have to spell it like this: Raw Knee" It stuck (with most people).
I may be a fellatio aficionado, but I'm not a self-depreciating hoe-bag. If I ever have raw knees it's because I'm a klutz and I fall a lot, not because I'm constantly on my knees sucking cock.
Capiche?
You should listen to "Veronica Fever" by the Ravonettes. I kind of think it was written about me. (wishful delirious thinking).
The Brainstorm meeting for the March issue of UpFront is this afternoon. You can count on me to have absolutely no ideas nor creativity - but to pump out another informative column.
Due to space issues: the entirety of the "bottom 10's" didn't get printed. I'm considering posting the rejected categories here.
Yeah, I think I'll do that. Keep your eyes peeled. It'll probably be a couple of days.
Love,
Raw Knee
My name is Veronica.
Raw Knee is a pseudonym. Back in the teenage years my peers often opted to call me "Ronnie". I never really liked it. At one point I said "If you're going to call me Ronnie you have to spell it like this: Raw Knee" It stuck (with most people).
I may be a fellatio aficionado, but I'm not a self-depreciating hoe-bag. If I ever have raw knees it's because I'm a klutz and I fall a lot, not because I'm constantly on my knees sucking cock.
Capiche?
You should listen to "Veronica Fever" by the Ravonettes. I kind of think it was written about me. (wishful delirious thinking).
The Brainstorm meeting for the March issue of UpFront is this afternoon. You can count on me to have absolutely no ideas nor creativity - but to pump out another informative column.
Due to space issues: the entirety of the "bottom 10's" didn't get printed. I'm considering posting the rejected categories here.
Yeah, I think I'll do that. Keep your eyes peeled. It'll probably be a couple of days.
Love,
Raw Knee
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Written with heavy eyelids
I've been working my ass off lately.
Some of you may already know that I've got a "regular" job, school, a writing gig and this blog on the side. I'd now like to announce another project I've been working on that's been draining me for the past month and a half: ROCKALLILLY BURLESQUE TROUPE
I'm 1/3 of the management team. I don't know if you out there in internetland, reading this, has ever started up a business or club or anything of the like, but I'm pretty sure it can kill you.
Don't get me wrong! I love the girls, I love the exposure, I love the mission! I fucking love what we're about and I couldn't be more proud to be a part of it. It's just that I'm burning out. You'll have to excuse the inevitably declining quality of my posts here until I'm back at 100%.
Now that you have a rough idea of just how hard I'm working on this burlesque troupe multiply it by 3. That's how much love and devotion is being put into this project - and that's only from the coordinaters. Think how hard the dancers are pushing themselves!
I've said too much!
Rockalilly will be announcing their debut show soon and I want all of you to bring your sexy asses there and show your support!!
Got it?
good.
Love,
Raw Knee
Some of you may already know that I've got a "regular" job, school, a writing gig and this blog on the side. I'd now like to announce another project I've been working on that's been draining me for the past month and a half: ROCKALLILLY BURLESQUE TROUPE
I'm 1/3 of the management team. I don't know if you out there in internetland, reading this, has ever started up a business or club or anything of the like, but I'm pretty sure it can kill you.
Don't get me wrong! I love the girls, I love the exposure, I love the mission! I fucking love what we're about and I couldn't be more proud to be a part of it. It's just that I'm burning out. You'll have to excuse the inevitably declining quality of my posts here until I'm back at 100%.
Now that you have a rough idea of just how hard I'm working on this burlesque troupe multiply it by 3. That's how much love and devotion is being put into this project - and that's only from the coordinaters. Think how hard the dancers are pushing themselves!
I've said too much!
Rockalilly will be announcing their debut show soon and I want all of you to bring your sexy asses there and show your support!!
Got it?
good.
Love,
Raw Knee
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Bottom 10's; The full interviews: James
RawKnee: Briefly describe the incident of your overall worst sexual experience.
James: While tightly bound to my girlfriends bed, she decided to give me a handjob while i was blindfolded. During such, i felt a slight sting, but thought nothing of it. one i finished, i heard her starting to scream. she pulled the blindfold off my eyes. apparently she wasnt paying too much attention since my dick was covered in blood and was bleeding profusely from the head.
RK: What is the worst music you've ever fucked to? (foreplay counts too)
J: sadly, eifel 65 - blue(dabadee)
RK: What's the worst / most shocking / rudest thing a partner did while you
were being intimate?
J: she picked her nose
RK: The lamest pickup line you've ever used or had used on you?
J: This wasn't used by, or on me, but you must praise robot chicken for this one: are you an angel? 'cause i just got an erection!
RK: Worst injury ever incurred during sexual activity.
J: Refer to my response to your first question.
RK: What's the most uncomfortable place you've ever had sex.
J: On a bathroom countertop, it was too small and started to creak excessively, as well i had to get onto my tippy toes! didnt work so well!!
RK: What's the worst location you've ever had sex.
J: In my girlfriends friends bed, with her 3 friends passed out drunk beside us, they woke up halfway through
James: While tightly bound to my girlfriends bed, she decided to give me a handjob while i was blindfolded. During such, i felt a slight sting, but thought nothing of it. one i finished, i heard her starting to scream. she pulled the blindfold off my eyes. apparently she wasnt paying too much attention since my dick was covered in blood and was bleeding profusely from the head.
RK: What is the worst music you've ever fucked to? (foreplay counts too)
J: sadly, eifel 65 - blue(dabadee)
RK: What's the worst / most shocking / rudest thing a partner did while you
were being intimate?
J: she picked her nose
RK: The lamest pickup line you've ever used or had used on you?
J: This wasn't used by, or on me, but you must praise robot chicken for this one: are you an angel? 'cause i just got an erection!
RK: Worst injury ever incurred during sexual activity.
J: Refer to my response to your first question.
RK: What's the most uncomfortable place you've ever had sex.
J: On a bathroom countertop, it was too small and started to creak excessively, as well i had to get onto my tippy toes! didnt work so well!!
RK: What's the worst location you've ever had sex.
J: In my girlfriends friends bed, with her 3 friends passed out drunk beside us, they woke up halfway through
Bottom 10's; The full interviews: Jessa
RawKnee: Tell me about your worst sexual experience.
Jessa: Really hard to say, but I'll go with getting caught with my friend's boyfriend.
After making the horrible drunken mistake to sleep with my friend's boyfriend, we were found together in bed- by my friend, the next morning.
There was screaming and throwing household objects, attacking us etc.
(way more intense than the worst CHEATERS episode).
We eventually convinced her that we'd just passed out drunk beside eachother, (no sex). She was still really pissed so she left.
Couple hours later, this guy walks me to my bus stop, we kiss goodbye, (BIG MISTAKE), it just so fucking happens my friend was driving down that exact street, (not a busy street), at that exact time. I hear the schreech of her tires, a cardoor slam and there's my friend running tword me like the fucking terrminator, about to kill me. She didn't end up laying a finger on me, but she should have. That was bad.
RK: What's the worst thing someone ever did while you were being intimate?
J: It was Valentines Day. I was wearing the sexiest lingerie I'd ever seen and was just getting intimate with my boyfriend. He got really pissed at me, (aparently for touching myself), and threw me off of him. He was freaking out and we had a huge fight. Jerk.
RK: Worst Pick Up Line?
J: This guy told me he was in martial arts training.How it keeps him so buff and in shape. He could kick anyone's ass who messed with me. "Check this out!!!"
(He puts on Mortal Combat music...no lie...this was at a party)
music playing... he's bouncing around the room like an idiot throwing fists and kicking to the music til he's panting and red in the face. All the while yelling weird shit like Hi YAAA!!!! AGHHHH!!!!
Me and my best friend couldn't stop laughing. He eventually realized this, ( after 5 -7 minutes), and just stopped and went away all embarrased and pissed. poor guy.
RK: What was the wort injury you've ever had from sex?
J: This might not count so I'll give two.
I had sex with my friend who had a broken leg. Full leg cast. His bed was also broken in the middle so badly the bed looked like a V. It was hilarious.
My friend let me and this guy use her brother's room to shag one summer night : ) Her brother had a reallt childish small room and bed..
Anyway. We got carried away with things and the bed broke- violently. It was funny so we just got crazier and by the time we were done the closet door was broken down, the basketball hoop on the wall had been torn down, the night table was broken. The room was totaled. We were covered in bruises and scrapes the next morning..He probly shoulda had a concussion too. Good Times.
RK: What's the most uncomfortable place you've "done the deed"?
J: This one guy's car. Cars aren't that bad most the time but this one was sooooo small and he was soo tall. Every position killed one of us and at one point my foot kicked the radio or something and it turned on this ridiculous static/ mexican music...We couldn't turn it off cause our bodies were tangled like pretzels. It was hilarious but I just wanted it to end. That killed my knees, he said he was hurtin the next day too..(The things we do to ourselves for sex...)
RK: Finally, What's the worst overall location you've ever had sex in?
J: My boyfriend and I were on our way to a bar after leaving a fancy event when we got caught in the rain. We ran for shelter by an outdoor parkinglot.
We broke into a car and had sex in the backseat til the rain let up.
Jessa: Really hard to say, but I'll go with getting caught with my friend's boyfriend.
After making the horrible drunken mistake to sleep with my friend's boyfriend, we were found together in bed- by my friend, the next morning.
There was screaming and throwing household objects, attacking us etc.
(way more intense than the worst CHEATERS episode).
We eventually convinced her that we'd just passed out drunk beside eachother, (no sex). She was still really pissed so she left.
Couple hours later, this guy walks me to my bus stop, we kiss goodbye, (BIG MISTAKE), it just so fucking happens my friend was driving down that exact street, (not a busy street), at that exact time. I hear the schreech of her tires, a cardoor slam and there's my friend running tword me like the fucking terrminator, about to kill me. She didn't end up laying a finger on me, but she should have. That was bad.
RK: What's the worst thing someone ever did while you were being intimate?
J: It was Valentines Day. I was wearing the sexiest lingerie I'd ever seen and was just getting intimate with my boyfriend. He got really pissed at me, (aparently for touching myself), and threw me off of him. He was freaking out and we had a huge fight. Jerk.
RK: Worst Pick Up Line?
J: This guy told me he was in martial arts training.How it keeps him so buff and in shape. He could kick anyone's ass who messed with me. "Check this out!!!"
(He puts on Mortal Combat music...no lie...this was at a party)
music playing... he's bouncing around the room like an idiot throwing fists and kicking to the music til he's panting and red in the face. All the while yelling weird shit like Hi YAAA!!!! AGHHHH!!!!
Me and my best friend couldn't stop laughing. He eventually realized this, ( after 5 -7 minutes), and just stopped and went away all embarrased and pissed. poor guy.
RK: What was the wort injury you've ever had from sex?
J: This might not count so I'll give two.
I had sex with my friend who had a broken leg. Full leg cast. His bed was also broken in the middle so badly the bed looked like a V. It was hilarious.
My friend let me and this guy use her brother's room to shag one summer night : ) Her brother had a reallt childish small room and bed..
Anyway. We got carried away with things and the bed broke- violently. It was funny so we just got crazier and by the time we were done the closet door was broken down, the basketball hoop on the wall had been torn down, the night table was broken. The room was totaled. We were covered in bruises and scrapes the next morning..He probly shoulda had a concussion too. Good Times.
RK: What's the most uncomfortable place you've "done the deed"?
J: This one guy's car. Cars aren't that bad most the time but this one was sooooo small and he was soo tall. Every position killed one of us and at one point my foot kicked the radio or something and it turned on this ridiculous static/ mexican music...We couldn't turn it off cause our bodies were tangled like pretzels. It was hilarious but I just wanted it to end. That killed my knees, he said he was hurtin the next day too..(The things we do to ourselves for sex...)
RK: Finally, What's the worst overall location you've ever had sex in?
J: My boyfriend and I were on our way to a bar after leaving a fancy event when we got caught in the rain. We ran for shelter by an outdoor parkinglot.
We broke into a car and had sex in the backseat til the rain let up.
Bottom 10's; The full interviews: Jenn T
RK: What is your overall worst sexual experience?
J: The worst sex I've ever had was a couple years ago. There was such anticipation and wanting it with this person for so long that when it finally happened, it didn't live up to the hype. The worst part? He thought it was awesome, so I had to fake my mutual enthusiasm.
RK: What's the worst music you've ever fucked to?
J: There is rarely music playing (too concentrated on the task to turn on a radio) but I guess hearing a song that generally makes me cry with memories kinda killed the mood.
RK: What's the worst thing you ever had a partner do while you were being intimate?
J: The rudest thing by far was when one of my partners assumed the backdoor was open (if you get me). I was shocked and appalled with the complete odacity of not asking (so I could vehemently say NO!).
RK: Worst Pick-up line?
J: "I'd buy you a drink, but let's skip the foreplay."
RK: Worst injury ever incurred during sexual activity?
J: Ha ha ha, I've never been injured but a few weeks ago, my bf and I were heading to bed and we both rolled towards each other for a goodnight kiss... we both went for upper position and I kneed him sqarely in the balls. Tell me about a mood ruiner!!
RK: What's the most uncomfortable place you've ever had sex?
J: On the hood of a muddy pickup truck in the dark in the forest. My feet were wet and muddy, and I almost ripped a wiper off; it was like a slip and slide!
RK: And the worst location?
J: Worst? Probably in the front seat of the car in a busy parking lot on St. Laruent.
J: The worst sex I've ever had was a couple years ago. There was such anticipation and wanting it with this person for so long that when it finally happened, it didn't live up to the hype. The worst part? He thought it was awesome, so I had to fake my mutual enthusiasm.
RK: What's the worst music you've ever fucked to?
J: There is rarely music playing (too concentrated on the task to turn on a radio) but I guess hearing a song that generally makes me cry with memories kinda killed the mood.
RK: What's the worst thing you ever had a partner do while you were being intimate?
J: The rudest thing by far was when one of my partners assumed the backdoor was open (if you get me). I was shocked and appalled with the complete odacity of not asking (so I could vehemently say NO!).
RK: Worst Pick-up line?
J: "I'd buy you a drink, but let's skip the foreplay."
RK: Worst injury ever incurred during sexual activity?
J: Ha ha ha, I've never been injured but a few weeks ago, my bf and I were heading to bed and we both rolled towards each other for a goodnight kiss... we both went for upper position and I kneed him sqarely in the balls. Tell me about a mood ruiner!!
RK: What's the most uncomfortable place you've ever had sex?
J: On the hood of a muddy pickup truck in the dark in the forest. My feet were wet and muddy, and I almost ripped a wiper off; it was like a slip and slide!
RK: And the worst location?
J: Worst? Probably in the front seat of the car in a busy parking lot on St. Laruent.
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