Ask Veronica: Extramarital Relations

Dear Veronica,

I'm bi. Married to straight. I just came out a year ago to him. He encouraged my getting a girlfriend, and helped me in several ways (eg, setting up an online dating account for me and in meeting with a friend to explore her sexual interest in me). I suspect his zeal was due in part to a fantasy to participate in a threesome with me and my girlfriend, though he denies that motivation (mostly).

We have been together for 15 years. Married young. Still love each other very much. I had a secret fling with a woman several years ago, which I confessed to hubby when I came out to him. We also lived apart for a year about 10 years ago (me in Toronto, he in Halifax), and had been having marital troubles. I had a relationship with a man for 6 months of that year, which I also confessed. He has not confessed any extramarital relationships, though I truly believe he has had 1 or 2.

He has been generous, as he reminds me, in allowing me to explore outside the marriage with several women during the past year (since I came out to him). He would like to have a girlfriend now too, but I am having a very hard time with the concept. He says it will happen, b/c he would be a fool otherwise, so I should give my consent. I guess I'm scared shitless, and I can't rid myself of the images of him having sex with another woman (it makes my stomach hurt). Would it mean that my relationship with him is not as special? Would the other woman be 'better' than me? Would he do more fun things w/ her (our sex life is special, passionate, and super FANTASTIC - which leads to another question: why does he need someone else if his needs are met by me?) Would I reject him after he has sex with another, b/c of the images in my head? Would he compare our sex with their sex? Am I being an asshole by not being 'generous'? Is it different, my having a girlfriend vs him having a girlfriend?

SO CONFUSED AND UPSET. Need advice. Thank you!
TM

p.s. -- I have said 'yes' to some exploration: a threesome with my girlfriend, his exploration with a man (which he found he didn't enjoy), a play date with another couple, and a few visits to a 'swingers club'.


TM,

You seem to have a very touchy situation on your hands.

The impression that I'm getting is that he is resentful towards your extramarital relationships and has reached a point where he feels that he's being played a fool. I'm not sure if his motivation is that of revenge, curiosity or perhaps something else, but him telling you that "it's going to happen, you may as well give your consent." is not conducive to a healthy relationship. It sounds like he's been harbouring a lot of hurt and resentment towards you and this is how he wants to let it out, by settling the score. This is not fair to you, but it is something you will have to work through.

Generally, in my opinion, if you're going to be opening up your relationship, it's only fair for both partners to be allowed to experiment with others. However, from what you've said, you're only looking to have outside relationships with women. Obviously women are offering you something that your husband cannot. In that respect, it would only be fair for you to allow your husband to experiment with other partners who can offer him something that you can not (ie, a male partner, fetishes that are outside your boundaries, etc.). Where you draw the line of what activities he can pursue outside of your marriage is something you need to discuss together.

I think it's only fair that you concede to him experimenting with other partners, so long as you want to continue to do the same, but boundaries for each of you must be carefully discussed and implemented.

If you're truly uncomfortable with him having other partners, then it's not fair for you to have them. It would seem that this is something that has been bothering him for a long time and this is his way of dealing with it.

Tell him all the things you've told me, try to come to a decision together. Whatever you decide, what's important is that you are both happy and fulfilled, even if it means making sacrifices or going separate ways. I sincerely hope that you can reverse the damage that's been done to each other and figure out whatever arrangement you need to to continue on in your happy, fulfilling marriage.


Have a question or need advice on relationships, sex or sexual health? Email Veronica: ask.raw.knee@gmail.com

The best sex toy cleaner

I'm often asked what is the best way to clean your sex toys.

The answer isn't as simple as you might think. It really depends on what kind of toy you are talking about and what the surface is made of.

For the point of this post, I will be covering how to clean insertibles (butt plugs, dildos, vibrators, etc)

The best sanitizing method for pyrex or silicone toys that DO NOT have a motor or any electronic parts in them is to boil them. Make dildo soup once a month by throwing your toys in a pot of water, bringing it to a boil and letting them boil for about 5-10 minutes. Some sources will tell you to clean these toys in the dishwasher. I'd advise against it - the harsh soaps that you use to clean your dishes will leave residue on your toys that could cause you to have a bad reaction. I suppose you could run the dishwasher with nothing but your toys in it and refrain from using soap, but that would be a shameful waste of water!

Remember that only pyrex and silicone toys can be boiled. Latex/jelly and acrylic toys are not built to withstand those temperatures!

So, what to do with your cheaper toys and toys with motors? The thorough way of cleaning them is to use a warm, wet washcloth and unscented, anti-bacterial hand soap. Take the batteries out first and be very careful not to get water in the battery compartment. Most battery-operated toys are waterproof when used correctly, but that's no reason to be careless or submerge your toy under water.

What I usually recommend to everybody is to get some hand sanitizer and keep it with your toys for a quick cleanup after each use. Hand sanitizer is almost pure alcohol, it will kill 99.9% of the germs and bacteria on your toys (at least that's what the label says...); it dries quickly and is very handy for when you just want to roll over and go to sleep.

The only problem with hand sanitizer is that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find the straight-up alcohol kind. Make sure you use one that is not coloured, scented or containing vitamin E or aloe.

You may need to clean your toys, but you don't need to moisturize them.

Zombie Sex (long lost q+a)

Dear Veronica,
I am a heterosexual 32 year old female who has been happily married to my 38 year old husband for over 3 years. We've always had a satisfying sex life together but lately I've been bothered by a certain unfulfilled fantasy I've had for a long time. You see, Verotika, ever since I became sexually active as a teenager, I've had this overwhelming urge to re-enact a zombie scene in bed with my lover- make up and all, ripping chunks of flesh from each others hot bodies and then making love to him as he lies limp, pretending to be dead. The only problem, Verotika, is that I'm worried my husband, being a devout christian, may not be as turned on by this fantasy as I am. How do I go about bringing this up to him?
Thank You,
-Anonymous

You know what's coming up? My favorite holiday, Hallowe'en!! Usually Hallowe'en is an excuse to dress super slutty in public with little to no repricussions . This year, why not use it as a clever way to indulge your fantasy? Suggest to your husband that you both dress as zombies. Use liquid latex as fake skin, shredded clothes, fake blood, the whole 9. Once you get home from whatever your Hallowe'en celebrations might be, instigate sex. Be dominant, get on top.
The liquid latex "skin" should be fun to peel off at this point. At a later date, tell him how amazing the zombie sex was. (assuming it was) Perhaps now, as he's already pretty much gone through with it, he'll be willing to do it again for you. Good luck, you kinky freak.

Electric Six's new NSFW video

Electric Six "Body Shot" (2009) - NSFW 18+ from Another Reybee Productions, Inc. on Vimeo.

Sex Toys are so Metal

Sorry for the lack of posts this past year or so, I've been extremely busy between Rockalily, Upfront, YWTF and all the other little projects. The 2nd annual No Pants Dance Party was a success! Thanks to Hush Money and The New Impressions of 2 FANS for warming up the crowd. We raised almost $100 for each the AIDS Committee of Ottawa and the Ottawa Humane Society! Thanks for all your support, Ottawa! And a super-big thanks to everyone who comes in from out of town to see our shows. Rockalily loves you all!

Today I thought of a tidbit about metal toys that I thought I should pass on.

Although they are a little pricey, steel, aluminum and titanium sex toys make a great addition to your naughty drawer. Like glass toys they are non-porous, easy to clean and can easily be heated or cooled to your liking. Unlike glass, they are unbreakable!

Titanium is going to be the most expensive, but is the lightest of the three metals.

Aluminum is your middle ground. A good metal, not too heavy but enough weight that you feel it.

Steel is very heavy - of the three metals most commonly used in sex toys this is the one that is most likely to cause damage. Extra care should be taken when using steel toys, especially butt plugs, as the weight is being held by your sphincter - something you do NOT want to damage.

Just something to keep in mind when shopping for metal toys!

As if this needs my help...

Sexapalooza is this weekend at Lansdowne Park.

Despite what some people are saying, it's more than just a giant temporary mall of sexy retailers. There will be periodic stage shows throughout the weekend (Rockalily is part of this year's entertainment), a dungeon for you to learn all about BDSM the fun way, workshops and info sessions, a bar and some sexy greeters. Um.. did I mention the bar?

I'll be there the whole weekend, working in some capacity. Sometimes, for me, working includes gin and tonic; don't let a drink in my hand fool you, I am hard at work!

Anyway, this is a good chance to see a show, get spanked and take advantage of some trade show deals on toys and lingerie.

Sexapalooza Official Website

Get Kinky This Saturday

This Saturday is high time in Ottawa for fetish and BDSM enthusiasts!

Breathless is hosting a workshop entitled "Erotic Massage and Full Body Worship" to be presented by Priestess Anness. The workshop will focus on "over-stimulation", using your full body to stimulate one's full body, group massage and many other forms of play.
The workshop runs from 7-9 pm and costs 15$ (10$ for members of Breathless)

Starting at 9pm at The New Bayou is Metal, Mayhem and Madness: a fetish masquerade. MM&M promises to be a night of naughty fantasy. There will be a spanking booth, play piercing, body painting, and performances by Soul Bomb and Rockalily Burlesque. This is a pansexual party in a discrimination free environment. Tickets are 20$ at Silverline Tattoo, Pirate City Tattoo, Classixxx on Carling Ave and Venus Envy. Tickets must be purchased ahead of time. 19+ w/ID required.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE

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Burlesque update!

Rockalily, my burlesque troupe, recently got some great press in the Capital Xtra.

Check out the article ...here!

In other news we've been booked to perform at an upcoming fetish event. It's Oct 18th at The New Bayou. There are rumors abuzz about exactly who will be there and what will go down.

I am privy to some of the details, but I'll wait for the official press release before I get y'all too excited.


Stay sexy!!!

xoxoxo
Rawknee

Ottawa Leatherfest 2008

Ottawa Leather Fest 2008 kicks off this year on Aug 22 at Arc. The Hotel, 140 Slater St.

Meet and greet starts at the hotel at 7:00pm and is followed by Leather History 101 seminar at 8:00, hosted by Mr. Marcus. A pansexual play party caps off the first night of Leatherfest, starting at 10:00pm.

At 12:00 noon on Saturday the 23rd there will be a vendor's fair and various seminars running until 5:00pm

Seminars include: Advanced Percussion, The Art of Erotic Whipping, Dynamics of a BDSM Scene, Mind Fucks, and Leather/BDSM Protocol.

Doors open at 7:30 for the Central Canada Olympus contest. The contest is open to both women and men with the winners getting an all-expenses-paid trip to compete in Chicago next year.

Leatherfest caps off Saturday night at 10:00pm with an I Like to Watch / I Like to Play play party, open to voyeurism as a method of participation. Expect to see scenes by Alex Wisniowski and Mistress Cyan.

Getting off on pain

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Dressed for Sexcess

When asked "What is Fetish Fashion?" Most people picture a stereotypical gay bear clad in leather, or a pierced and tattooed woman who's been gagged and hog tied. These types of 'fashion', still viewed as taboo, have not been fetishised by nearly as many people as certain types of fetish attire that's seen in every day life. A police officer probably does not think about how many panties he'll wet just by wearing his uniform when he dresses in the morning. Few women realize the fantasies they inspire when adorning their legs with pantyhose and feet with high heels. Any article of clothing (or inanimate object, or role to be played) can be and probably has been turned into the object of someone's sexual desire. Although many regular clothing styles and uniforms are commonly fetishised, they are not usually categorized as such because the reason they are worn is not to arouse sexual thoughts and behaviors. Fetishistic behavior was, up until recently, rarely spoken of and thus has very little recorded past, although there is an undoubtedly long history. Because of this, the origin of fetish fashion is nearly impossible to determine.

Many claim that the restrictive corsets and hobble skirts of the Victorian Era were humanity's first taste of fetish fashion. Both items have drifted in and out of popular style throughout the ages. The corset, a wedding staple and beloved item of BDSM practitioners, has only been adopted as both a kinky bondage item as well as an aesthetically pleasing outer garment, in the past 3 decades. Hobble skirts, named aptly for their strict hemline, cause the wearer to hobble or take tiny steps. They first appeared in the 1880's and have been resurrected as the 1950's pencil skirt and more recently as a popular style of wedding dress. The restrictive nature of the hobble skirt makes it an ideal bondage item.

It is also often speculated that the original fetish fashion statement was that of the post WWII biker subculture, who's leather and denim clothing didn't take long to be adopted by homosexuals. Leather and denim was worn by many gay men to affirm and proclaim their masculinity and toughness in a society where homosexual men were stereotyped as effeminate. By the 1960's leather culture was beginning to become popular in Britain by the hand of popular musicians such as The Who and The Rolling Stones. In the early 1970's the (still very underground at the time) BDSM community began to take on leather culture and fashion. To this day, leather is a major part of both the BDSM and Gay communities. "Mr Leather" competitions are held annually in many cities, including Ottawa, and draw in crowds of all kinds of people, from avid participants to curious voyeurs.

The most common reported fetish is, and has been for centuries, the foot/shoe fetish. Shoes in many different styles are available in an array of sizes for men and women of all foot-sizes to enjoy, relish and worship. Foot fetishism is more common in men than women. Practicing foot fetishists generally enjoy to lick, suck, be trod on by and humiliated with a pair of high heels worn by a woman. Some foot fetishists prefer to wear the shoes while others aren't even interested in shoes but just the feet. Arguably the most extreme of the fetish shoe is the pointe heel. Similar in design to ballet points but with spike heels to support the heel of the foot, alleviating the pressure on the toes ever so slightly. Pointe heels are usually ankle height but are available in the even more restrictive thigh-high.

Most current and typical fetish attire is not worn on a regular basis and is usually only seen in private clubs, bedrooms, fetish/BDSM events and ornate goth/metal/industrial music videos. The most common materials used in modern fetish clothing are leather, latex, pvc, spandex and fishnet. Common themes include everything from puppy or pony play to PVC versions of commonly fetishised uniforms to latex gowns and catsuits. Fetish Fashion accessories can range from cuffs and collars to thigh-high platform boots and gas masks. Canada is known for it's fetish and BDSM fashion thanks to Northbound Leather in Toronto and Polymorphe Latex in Montreal. Because of Ottawa's proximity to both Northbound and Polymorphe, and the number of local custom corsetiers, there is no lack of pret-a-porter (or pret-a-play, if you will) fashions here. Several events and exposes held throughout the year draw in vendors from all across Canada to share their [fetish] wares with the kinky side of ottawa. Fetish items from latex bodysuits and leather harnesses to silk corsets and fishnet stockings are available year round at specialty shops throughout the city. Seek and you shall find.


Photos by Raw Knee