A Question of Gender

Posted by request, as the current issue of UpFront Magazine, containing Veronica's Closet, is unavailable online. The following is an excerpt from the July edition of Veronica's Closet:


I recently watched a documentary called "Trantasia". It's the story of the world's first "most beautiful transsexual" pageant, complete with the bios and life stories of the contestants. I was very happy to see that a documentary on transwomen existed that portrayed them in a positive, non-pornographic light. Fighting transphobia and raising awareness about trans rights is one of my pet issues, but it hasn't always been. Years ago I used to attend a LGBT youth support and discussion group with one of my best friends, who is a lesbian. This is where both of us had our first encounter with a transwoman. My friend, who is still one of my best friends to this day, reminded me of this while we were watching Trantasia. The first transperson whom I had ever met left a bad taste in my mouth. She seemed to have the attitude that if she wasn't a bitch to everyone she wasn't going to get through life. It truly makes me sad that she felt this way, but I can't blame her. Because of her negativity, most of the rest of the group of queer youths would call her names behind her back. This negative first impression left me with a bad attitude towards transpeople. It took a few years for me to pull my head out of my ass and get over it, but now I'm very happy to be able to call myself a trans ally and count a few transpeople as my friends. I was pleased to see a question in my inbox this month that fit right into the issue of transphobia, I hope I've been able to help with my response.

What's the right way to refer to someone who has had a sex change or even someone who is pre-op. He, She, He-she?

This question makes me both happy and sad - happy that you've thought to ask, but sad, as it's a reminder of how many people are ignorant of transpeople and treat them as lesser beings. Etiquette within and between various alternative communities is very important and often overlooked by the average and vanilla. "Trans" is a very broad term, used to define people who are transitioning from one gender to another, have transitioned, living in the androgynous middle and everything in between. Although the polite thing to do when you're unsure of someone's gender status is to ask what pronoun they prefer, please take into consideration whether it's any of your business. Do you have a professional relationship? Are they a stranger? Is this person's gender status going to have any effect on your relationship with them? Then no, it's none of your business - don't ask! If you must refer to them in third person use "they", "them" or their name. Is it a close friend who's making a major lifestyle change? Are they a friend or family member's new lover? Is it someone who you are interested in becoming friends with? Then by all means, ask them if the information is not readily offered. Asking will not only show that you care, but that you are accepting of a lifestyle that is heavily misunderstood and disrespected. You will likely be asked to use "he" or "she" but some people prefer gender neutral pronouns like "ze". Another situation where the issue of pronouns may arise is with drag queens and cross dressers. Men, gay or straight, who live as men but moonlight as women (either as performers, fetishists or simply out of curiosity) are not transpeople. Same as women who live as females but dress up like men; However, when a crossdresser is in character - more often than not, they would prefer to be referred to as however they are portraying themselves. ie: a man wearing lipstick and a dress would probably prefer to be called she, and a woman wearing a pants suit and moustache would probably like to be called he. One last thing - You may need to know someone's gender status so you know how to address them, but their sexual orientation is none of your business - and that goes for everyone.