Dear Veronica,
I'm bi. Married to straight. I just came out a year ago to him. He encouraged my getting a girlfriend, and helped me in several ways (eg, setting up an online dating account for me and in meeting with a friend to explore her sexual interest in me). I suspect his zeal was due in part to a fantasy to participate in a threesome with me and my girlfriend, though he denies that motivation (mostly).
We have been together for 15 years. Married young. Still love each other very much. I had a secret fling with a woman several years ago, which I confessed to hubby when I came out to him. We also lived apart for a year about 10 years ago (me in Toronto, he in Halifax), and had been having marital troubles. I had a relationship with a man for 6 months of that year, which I also confessed. He has not confessed any extramarital relationships, though I truly believe he has had 1 or 2.
He has been generous, as he reminds me, in allowing me to explore outside the marriage with several women during the past year (since I came out to him). He would like to have a girlfriend now too, but I am having a very hard time with the concept. He says it will happen, b/c he would be a fool otherwise, so I should give my consent. I guess I'm scared shitless, and I can't rid myself of the images of him having sex with another woman (it makes my stomach hurt). Would it mean that my relationship with him is not as special? Would the other woman be 'better' than me? Would he do more fun things w/ her (our sex life is special, passionate, and super FANTASTIC - which leads to another question: why does he need someone else if his needs are met by me?) Would I reject him after he has sex with another, b/c of the images in my head? Would he compare our sex with their sex? Am I being an asshole by not being 'generous'? Is it different, my having a girlfriend vs him having a girlfriend?
SO CONFUSED AND UPSET. Need advice. Thank you!
TM
p.s. -- I have said 'yes' to some exploration: a threesome with my girlfriend, his exploration with a man (which he found he didn't enjoy), a play date with another couple, and a few visits to a 'swingers club'.
TM,
You seem to have a very touchy situation on your hands.
The impression that I'm getting is that he is resentful towards your extramarital relationships and has reached a point where he feels that he's being played a fool. I'm not sure if his motivation is that of revenge, curiosity or perhaps something else, but him telling you that "it's going to happen, you may as well give your consent." is not conducive to a healthy relationship. It sounds like he's been harbouring a lot of hurt and resentment towards you and this is how he wants to let it out, by settling the score. This is not fair to you, but it is something you will have to work through.
Generally, in my opinion, if you're going to be opening up your relationship, it's only fair for both partners to be allowed to experiment with others. However, from what you've said, you're only looking to have outside relationships with women. Obviously women are offering you something that your husband cannot. In that respect, it would only be fair for you to allow your husband to experiment with other partners who can offer him something that you can not (ie, a male partner, fetishes that are outside your boundaries, etc.). Where you draw the line of what activities he can pursue outside of your marriage is something you need to discuss together.
I think it's only fair that you concede to him experimenting with other partners, so long as you want to continue to do the same, but boundaries for each of you must be carefully discussed and implemented.
If you're truly uncomfortable with him having other partners, then it's not fair for you to have them. It would seem that this is something that has been bothering him for a long time and this is his way of dealing with it.
Tell him all the things you've told me, try to come to a decision together. Whatever you decide, what's important is that you are both happy and fulfilled, even if it means making sacrifices or going separate ways. I sincerely hope that you can reverse the damage that's been done to each other and figure out whatever arrangement you need to to continue on in your happy, fulfilling marriage.
Have a question or need advice on relationships, sex or sexual health? Email Veronica: ask.raw.knee@gmail.com
Showing posts with label GLBT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GLBT. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, August 10, 2009
Coffee Politics
I'm used to hearing about the politics of coffee regarding the treatment and wages of the growers; the economics and unfairly high profit margins; and even the poor little teenagers who work in chain coffee shops as their first job, not knowing their rights, being treated like shit and subjected to constant 1st degree burns (sometimes worse!) ... but, the sexual politics of coffee. No way!
Well, folks, it seems that since opening up shop in the states, the Canadian capitalist coffee giant, Tim Hortons, has made a few enemies, at least among LGBTQ communities along the American North-East coast.
Tim Hortons has recently agreed to sponsor a rally in Rhode Island hosted by the National Organization for Marriage. NOM is leading campaigns to take away the right to same-sex civil union in several states.
What's up, Tim Hortons? Why are you doing this? Do you think queers don't drink coffee, or that homophobes are better for business?
You can read more about it at change.org
Make sure you sign the petition.
EDIT: Tim Hortons has withdrawn sponsorship and issued an apology
Well, folks, it seems that since opening up shop in the states, the Canadian capitalist coffee giant, Tim Hortons, has made a few enemies, at least among LGBTQ communities along the American North-East coast.
Tim Hortons has recently agreed to sponsor a rally in Rhode Island hosted by the National Organization for Marriage. NOM is leading campaigns to take away the right to same-sex civil union in several states.
What's up, Tim Hortons? Why are you doing this? Do you think queers don't drink coffee, or that homophobes are better for business?
You can read more about it at change.org
Make sure you sign the petition.
EDIT: Tim Hortons has withdrawn sponsorship and issued an apology
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Question of Gender
Posted by request, as the current issue of UpFront Magazine, containing Veronica's Closet, is unavailable online. The following is an excerpt from the July edition of Veronica's Closet:
I recently watched a documentary called "Trantasia". It's the story of the world's first "most beautiful transsexual" pageant, complete with the bios and life stories of the contestants. I was very happy to see that a documentary on transwomen existed that portrayed them in a positive, non-pornographic light. Fighting transphobia and raising awareness about trans rights is one of my pet issues, but it hasn't always been. Years ago I used to attend a LGBT youth support and discussion group with one of my best friends, who is a lesbian. This is where both of us had our first encounter with a transwoman. My friend, who is still one of my best friends to this day, reminded me of this while we were watching Trantasia. The first transperson whom I had ever met left a bad taste in my mouth. She seemed to have the attitude that if she wasn't a bitch to everyone she wasn't going to get through life. It truly makes me sad that she felt this way, but I can't blame her. Because of her negativity, most of the rest of the group of queer youths would call her names behind her back. This negative first impression left me with a bad attitude towards transpeople. It took a few years for me to pull my head out of my ass and get over it, but now I'm very happy to be able to call myself a trans ally and count a few transpeople as my friends. I was pleased to see a question in my inbox this month that fit right into the issue of transphobia, I hope I've been able to help with my response.
What's the right way to refer to someone who has had a sex change or even someone who is pre-op. He, She, He-she?
This question makes me both happy and sad - happy that you've thought to ask, but sad, as it's a reminder of how many people are ignorant of transpeople and treat them as lesser beings. Etiquette within and between various alternative communities is very important and often overlooked by the average and vanilla. "Trans" is a very broad term, used to define people who are transitioning from one gender to another, have transitioned, living in the androgynous middle and everything in between. Although the polite thing to do when you're unsure of someone's gender status is to ask what pronoun they prefer, please take into consideration whether it's any of your business. Do you have a professional relationship? Are they a stranger? Is this person's gender status going to have any effect on your relationship with them? Then no, it's none of your business - don't ask! If you must refer to them in third person use "they", "them" or their name. Is it a close friend who's making a major lifestyle change? Are they a friend or family member's new lover? Is it someone who you are interested in becoming friends with? Then by all means, ask them if the information is not readily offered. Asking will not only show that you care, but that you are accepting of a lifestyle that is heavily misunderstood and disrespected. You will likely be asked to use "he" or "she" but some people prefer gender neutral pronouns like "ze". Another situation where the issue of pronouns may arise is with drag queens and cross dressers. Men, gay or straight, who live as men but moonlight as women (either as performers, fetishists or simply out of curiosity) are not transpeople. Same as women who live as females but dress up like men; However, when a crossdresser is in character - more often than not, they would prefer to be referred to as however they are portraying themselves. ie: a man wearing lipstick and a dress would probably prefer to be called she, and a woman wearing a pants suit and moustache would probably like to be called he. One last thing - You may need to know someone's gender status so you know how to address them, but their sexual orientation is none of your business - and that goes for everyone.
I recently watched a documentary called "Trantasia". It's the story of the world's first "most beautiful transsexual" pageant, complete with the bios and life stories of the contestants. I was very happy to see that a documentary on transwomen existed that portrayed them in a positive, non-pornographic light. Fighting transphobia and raising awareness about trans rights is one of my pet issues, but it hasn't always been. Years ago I used to attend a LGBT youth support and discussion group with one of my best friends, who is a lesbian. This is where both of us had our first encounter with a transwoman. My friend, who is still one of my best friends to this day, reminded me of this while we were watching Trantasia. The first transperson whom I had ever met left a bad taste in my mouth. She seemed to have the attitude that if she wasn't a bitch to everyone she wasn't going to get through life. It truly makes me sad that she felt this way, but I can't blame her. Because of her negativity, most of the rest of the group of queer youths would call her names behind her back. This negative first impression left me with a bad attitude towards transpeople. It took a few years for me to pull my head out of my ass and get over it, but now I'm very happy to be able to call myself a trans ally and count a few transpeople as my friends. I was pleased to see a question in my inbox this month that fit right into the issue of transphobia, I hope I've been able to help with my response.
What's the right way to refer to someone who has had a sex change or even someone who is pre-op. He, She, He-she?
This question makes me both happy and sad - happy that you've thought to ask, but sad, as it's a reminder of how many people are ignorant of transpeople and treat them as lesser beings. Etiquette within and between various alternative communities is very important and often overlooked by the average and vanilla. "Trans" is a very broad term, used to define people who are transitioning from one gender to another, have transitioned, living in the androgynous middle and everything in between. Although the polite thing to do when you're unsure of someone's gender status is to ask what pronoun they prefer, please take into consideration whether it's any of your business. Do you have a professional relationship? Are they a stranger? Is this person's gender status going to have any effect on your relationship with them? Then no, it's none of your business - don't ask! If you must refer to them in third person use "they", "them" or their name. Is it a close friend who's making a major lifestyle change? Are they a friend or family member's new lover? Is it someone who you are interested in becoming friends with? Then by all means, ask them if the information is not readily offered. Asking will not only show that you care, but that you are accepting of a lifestyle that is heavily misunderstood and disrespected. You will likely be asked to use "he" or "she" but some people prefer gender neutral pronouns like "ze". Another situation where the issue of pronouns may arise is with drag queens and cross dressers. Men, gay or straight, who live as men but moonlight as women (either as performers, fetishists or simply out of curiosity) are not transpeople. Same as women who live as females but dress up like men; However, when a crossdresser is in character - more often than not, they would prefer to be referred to as however they are portraying themselves. ie: a man wearing lipstick and a dress would probably prefer to be called she, and a woman wearing a pants suit and moustache would probably like to be called he. One last thing - You may need to know someone's gender status so you know how to address them, but their sexual orientation is none of your business - and that goes for everyone.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Vicki Lawsuit
Ottawa drag Star, Vicki Lawsuit, passed away from cancer last week at age 40. There will be a party to celebrate Vicki's life at 9pm on Jan 2 at Edge Nightclub.
Please see the Ottawa Citizen Article.
Please see the Ottawa Citizen Article.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Ickaprick and Ironpussy
Have you seen this blog yet?
It's informative, engaging, comprehensive when it comes to local events and news and humorous at the right times.
It's written by 3 people who will always keep you up to date on sexual politics and local outreach work better than I will. I highly recommend that, if you subscribe to me, you subscribe to them as well.
Read Ickaprick and Ironpussy
It's informative, engaging, comprehensive when it comes to local events and news and humorous at the right times.
It's written by 3 people who will always keep you up to date on sexual politics and local outreach work better than I will. I highly recommend that, if you subscribe to me, you subscribe to them as well.
Read Ickaprick and Ironpussy
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Capitalism Triumphs Over Homophobia
See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die
help support equal rights! see jointheimpact.com to learn more
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Ottawa Leatherfest 2008
Ottawa Leather Fest 2008 kicks off this year on Aug 22 at Arc. The Hotel, 140 Slater St.
Meet and greet starts at the hotel at 7:00pm and is followed by Leather History 101 seminar at 8:00, hosted by Mr. Marcus. A pansexual play party caps off the first night of Leatherfest, starting at 10:00pm.
At 12:00 noon on Saturday the 23rd there will be a vendor's fair and various seminars running until 5:00pm
Seminars include: Advanced Percussion, The Art of Erotic Whipping, Dynamics of a BDSM Scene, Mind Fucks, and Leather/BDSM Protocol.
Doors open at 7:30 for the Central Canada Olympus contest. The contest is open to both women and men with the winners getting an all-expenses-paid trip to compete in Chicago next year.
Leatherfest caps off Saturday night at 10:00pm with an I Like to Watch / I Like to Play play party, open to voyeurism as a method of participation. Expect to see scenes by Alex Wisniowski and Mistress Cyan.
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