There are a lot of really nasty things I could say to you. And I want to, but I don't think it would be the first time someone called you any of the things I'm thinking. And I so passionately hate to be unoriginal.
If you hate drama so much, don't do maliciously selfish things that cause other people to react in dramatic ways.
Lucky for you, I have excellent impulse control and my reputation means more to me that hurting you ever could.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Luminescent Incandescence
Your eyes don't shine in the suburbs.
No light is offered but that of dim, benign streetlights.
Their offerings don't shine bright enough to elicit a glow in your face.
The big city lights shine so aggressively that you can't help but sparkle under their flare.
I count crows.
One for sorrow...
Two for joy...
For the past two weeks I have been haunted by sightings of single crows, their somber solitude sends shivers down my spine.
I crane my neck and strain my eyes in search of a second, or even a third, to nix the omen of a lonely crow.
Never another in sight.
What could they be doing all alone, other than breaking my spirit and quashing my heart?
Have I fulfilled my own tragic prophecy?
The only thing that's keeping me from being happy is a circumstance I made for myself.
A decision I made, uncoerced.
Sometimes you have to hurt yourself to be able to grow.
It hurt.
It will continue to hurt.
But I will be better off when it stops hurting.
Today I saw two crows.
Tonight, under the lack of suburban light, I felt a presence that I could not see
And I heard the snow melting.
No light is offered but that of dim, benign streetlights.
Their offerings don't shine bright enough to elicit a glow in your face.
The big city lights shine so aggressively that you can't help but sparkle under their flare.
I count crows.
One for sorrow...
Two for joy...
For the past two weeks I have been haunted by sightings of single crows, their somber solitude sends shivers down my spine.
I crane my neck and strain my eyes in search of a second, or even a third, to nix the omen of a lonely crow.
Never another in sight.
What could they be doing all alone, other than breaking my spirit and quashing my heart?
Have I fulfilled my own tragic prophecy?
The only thing that's keeping me from being happy is a circumstance I made for myself.
A decision I made, uncoerced.
Sometimes you have to hurt yourself to be able to grow.
It hurt.
It will continue to hurt.
But I will be better off when it stops hurting.
Today I saw two crows.
Tonight, under the lack of suburban light, I felt a presence that I could not see
And I heard the snow melting.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Il Parle Anglais, Snowman.
The past four months have been an exercise in my own ability to withstand heartbreak. I have never felt more romanced in my life, and I don't think I've ever used the word 'romance' as much as I have in this time.
I want to say that living in Montreal has been a wonderful experience, but I'm unsure of whether or not I really lived here. I never changed my phone number, and although my bed has been here for the past 4 months, my heart has been elsewhere. I spent November, December and the first part of January living out of a suitcase. I actually spent 16 consecutive days without sleeping in my own bed. Was Montreal ever really home?
It was snowing today. It's still snowing now.
I decided to take a walk shortly after 3h (that's 3am, to everyone outside of Quebec). As soon as I stepped outside I knew that my feet were going to get wet. I hadn't the faintest notion that a late-night walk up St-Laurent would conjure up memories that are so recent they shouldn't have held such nostalgia.
As memories filled my head, slush filled up my shoes, making my thoughts tangible. Making them real.
I walked farther than I had planned, letting myself fall in to a bit of a trance, induced by the romance that swells the air in this fair city. I watched as cabs drove by, not slowing down to see if I could be a fare. They knew that I was walking with a purpose.
But was I, really? I left my apartment, restless, in search of a hot chocolate and some cheese to snack on. What I found was an urge to see if the bottle that had been thrown out the window at that raucous, tequila-fueled party was still on the sidewalk; A desire to allow the slush to penetrate my shoes and soak right through my socks, to chill me to the bone, to let me re-live a moment. A moment that was nothing more than a hiccough.
And after I had walked farther than I had intended to, but not as far as I wanted to, I turned around and walked against the one-way traffic.
I saw him again.
He spoke English.
If the snow outside were the sticky kind, I would build a snowman. For there is no greater company than a man that you've built to your own specifications, whose expiration date is unpredictable, but impending. The death of a snowman is a death that you are always prepared for.
I'm not sure if it's poetic, ironic, or just pathetic that I see great beauty and sadness in that I am leaving the most romantic place I've ever been at the same time that all the bonhomme-de-neiges are melting.
I want to say that living in Montreal has been a wonderful experience, but I'm unsure of whether or not I really lived here. I never changed my phone number, and although my bed has been here for the past 4 months, my heart has been elsewhere. I spent November, December and the first part of January living out of a suitcase. I actually spent 16 consecutive days without sleeping in my own bed. Was Montreal ever really home?
It was snowing today. It's still snowing now.
I decided to take a walk shortly after 3h (that's 3am, to everyone outside of Quebec). As soon as I stepped outside I knew that my feet were going to get wet. I hadn't the faintest notion that a late-night walk up St-Laurent would conjure up memories that are so recent they shouldn't have held such nostalgia.
As memories filled my head, slush filled up my shoes, making my thoughts tangible. Making them real.
I walked farther than I had planned, letting myself fall in to a bit of a trance, induced by the romance that swells the air in this fair city. I watched as cabs drove by, not slowing down to see if I could be a fare. They knew that I was walking with a purpose.
But was I, really? I left my apartment, restless, in search of a hot chocolate and some cheese to snack on. What I found was an urge to see if the bottle that had been thrown out the window at that raucous, tequila-fueled party was still on the sidewalk; A desire to allow the slush to penetrate my shoes and soak right through my socks, to chill me to the bone, to let me re-live a moment. A moment that was nothing more than a hiccough.
And after I had walked farther than I had intended to, but not as far as I wanted to, I turned around and walked against the one-way traffic.
I saw him again.
He spoke English.
If the snow outside were the sticky kind, I would build a snowman. For there is no greater company than a man that you've built to your own specifications, whose expiration date is unpredictable, but impending. The death of a snowman is a death that you are always prepared for.
I'm not sure if it's poetic, ironic, or just pathetic that I see great beauty and sadness in that I am leaving the most romantic place I've ever been at the same time that all the bonhomme-de-neiges are melting.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Ask Veronica: Extramarital Relations
Dear Veronica,
I'm bi. Married to straight. I just came out a year ago to him. He encouraged my getting a girlfriend, and helped me in several ways (eg, setting up an online dating account for me and in meeting with a friend to explore her sexual interest in me). I suspect his zeal was due in part to a fantasy to participate in a threesome with me and my girlfriend, though he denies that motivation (mostly).
We have been together for 15 years. Married young. Still love each other very much. I had a secret fling with a woman several years ago, which I confessed to hubby when I came out to him. We also lived apart for a year about 10 years ago (me in Toronto, he in Halifax), and had been having marital troubles. I had a relationship with a man for 6 months of that year, which I also confessed. He has not confessed any extramarital relationships, though I truly believe he has had 1 or 2.
He has been generous, as he reminds me, in allowing me to explore outside the marriage with several women during the past year (since I came out to him). He would like to have a girlfriend now too, but I am having a very hard time with the concept. He says it will happen, b/c he would be a fool otherwise, so I should give my consent. I guess I'm scared shitless, and I can't rid myself of the images of him having sex with another woman (it makes my stomach hurt). Would it mean that my relationship with him is not as special? Would the other woman be 'better' than me? Would he do more fun things w/ her (our sex life is special, passionate, and super FANTASTIC - which leads to another question: why does he need someone else if his needs are met by me?) Would I reject him after he has sex with another, b/c of the images in my head? Would he compare our sex with their sex? Am I being an asshole by not being 'generous'? Is it different, my having a girlfriend vs him having a girlfriend?
SO CONFUSED AND UPSET. Need advice. Thank you!
TM
p.s. -- I have said 'yes' to some exploration: a threesome with my girlfriend, his exploration with a man (which he found he didn't enjoy), a play date with another couple, and a few visits to a 'swingers club'.
TM,
You seem to have a very touchy situation on your hands.
The impression that I'm getting is that he is resentful towards your extramarital relationships and has reached a point where he feels that he's being played a fool. I'm not sure if his motivation is that of revenge, curiosity or perhaps something else, but him telling you that "it's going to happen, you may as well give your consent." is not conducive to a healthy relationship. It sounds like he's been harbouring a lot of hurt and resentment towards you and this is how he wants to let it out, by settling the score. This is not fair to you, but it is something you will have to work through.
Generally, in my opinion, if you're going to be opening up your relationship, it's only fair for both partners to be allowed to experiment with others. However, from what you've said, you're only looking to have outside relationships with women. Obviously women are offering you something that your husband cannot. In that respect, it would only be fair for you to allow your husband to experiment with other partners who can offer him something that you can not (ie, a male partner, fetishes that are outside your boundaries, etc.). Where you draw the line of what activities he can pursue outside of your marriage is something you need to discuss together.
I think it's only fair that you concede to him experimenting with other partners, so long as you want to continue to do the same, but boundaries for each of you must be carefully discussed and implemented.
If you're truly uncomfortable with him having other partners, then it's not fair for you to have them. It would seem that this is something that has been bothering him for a long time and this is his way of dealing with it.
Tell him all the things you've told me, try to come to a decision together. Whatever you decide, what's important is that you are both happy and fulfilled, even if it means making sacrifices or going separate ways. I sincerely hope that you can reverse the damage that's been done to each other and figure out whatever arrangement you need to to continue on in your happy, fulfilling marriage.
Have a question or need advice on relationships, sex or sexual health? Email Veronica: ask.raw.knee@gmail.com
I'm bi. Married to straight. I just came out a year ago to him. He encouraged my getting a girlfriend, and helped me in several ways (eg, setting up an online dating account for me and in meeting with a friend to explore her sexual interest in me). I suspect his zeal was due in part to a fantasy to participate in a threesome with me and my girlfriend, though he denies that motivation (mostly).
We have been together for 15 years. Married young. Still love each other very much. I had a secret fling with a woman several years ago, which I confessed to hubby when I came out to him. We also lived apart for a year about 10 years ago (me in Toronto, he in Halifax), and had been having marital troubles. I had a relationship with a man for 6 months of that year, which I also confessed. He has not confessed any extramarital relationships, though I truly believe he has had 1 or 2.
He has been generous, as he reminds me, in allowing me to explore outside the marriage with several women during the past year (since I came out to him). He would like to have a girlfriend now too, but I am having a very hard time with the concept. He says it will happen, b/c he would be a fool otherwise, so I should give my consent. I guess I'm scared shitless, and I can't rid myself of the images of him having sex with another woman (it makes my stomach hurt). Would it mean that my relationship with him is not as special? Would the other woman be 'better' than me? Would he do more fun things w/ her (our sex life is special, passionate, and super FANTASTIC - which leads to another question: why does he need someone else if his needs are met by me?) Would I reject him after he has sex with another, b/c of the images in my head? Would he compare our sex with their sex? Am I being an asshole by not being 'generous'? Is it different, my having a girlfriend vs him having a girlfriend?
SO CONFUSED AND UPSET. Need advice. Thank you!
TM
p.s. -- I have said 'yes' to some exploration: a threesome with my girlfriend, his exploration with a man (which he found he didn't enjoy), a play date with another couple, and a few visits to a 'swingers club'.
TM,
You seem to have a very touchy situation on your hands.
The impression that I'm getting is that he is resentful towards your extramarital relationships and has reached a point where he feels that he's being played a fool. I'm not sure if his motivation is that of revenge, curiosity or perhaps something else, but him telling you that "it's going to happen, you may as well give your consent." is not conducive to a healthy relationship. It sounds like he's been harbouring a lot of hurt and resentment towards you and this is how he wants to let it out, by settling the score. This is not fair to you, but it is something you will have to work through.
Generally, in my opinion, if you're going to be opening up your relationship, it's only fair for both partners to be allowed to experiment with others. However, from what you've said, you're only looking to have outside relationships with women. Obviously women are offering you something that your husband cannot. In that respect, it would only be fair for you to allow your husband to experiment with other partners who can offer him something that you can not (ie, a male partner, fetishes that are outside your boundaries, etc.). Where you draw the line of what activities he can pursue outside of your marriage is something you need to discuss together.
I think it's only fair that you concede to him experimenting with other partners, so long as you want to continue to do the same, but boundaries for each of you must be carefully discussed and implemented.
If you're truly uncomfortable with him having other partners, then it's not fair for you to have them. It would seem that this is something that has been bothering him for a long time and this is his way of dealing with it.
Tell him all the things you've told me, try to come to a decision together. Whatever you decide, what's important is that you are both happy and fulfilled, even if it means making sacrifices or going separate ways. I sincerely hope that you can reverse the damage that's been done to each other and figure out whatever arrangement you need to to continue on in your happy, fulfilling marriage.
Have a question or need advice on relationships, sex or sexual health? Email Veronica: ask.raw.knee@gmail.com
If I say I'm looking at a reflection in your glasses, it's to cover that I'm trying to peer in to your soul
I will never forget the look in his eyes.
The way he tried to hide the full extent of his joy.
I wish I had looked a little closer at my own reflection in his oversized glasses. I think I had the same expression of glee, but I don't know for sure. I could feel my cheeks using a muscle that is reserved for the most joyous of smiles, I know I returned the sentiment in my own way, I just wish I knew what I looked like in that moment. I'm sure I have never looked happier.
It had been years since we'd spoken. Not that there was ever a falling out, but that it's not easy to maintain a friendship when living in different cities and coming from different generations. Yet we talked with the comfortable familiarity one would find between long-term lovers or close family.
It was nothing more than a chance encounter and nothing less than fateful. I fell asleep in his lap that night.
It is that look; the look he had when he saw me for the first time in years, that I've been dying to see again in someone (anyone) whom I care for. A look that gives me a feeling not of being needed, but of being fully appreciated and wanted.
I didn't realize until well after the fact (read: while writing this) that his look and the feeling that came with it were exactly what I was looking for when I opened the door of my basement apartment on December 26th, 2009.
The person on the other side of the door had an undeniable look of happiness, relief and whatever other emotions that came with being reunited with someone you love, but it was not the same.
It was not innocent.
The way he tried to hide the full extent of his joy.
I wish I had looked a little closer at my own reflection in his oversized glasses. I think I had the same expression of glee, but I don't know for sure. I could feel my cheeks using a muscle that is reserved for the most joyous of smiles, I know I returned the sentiment in my own way, I just wish I knew what I looked like in that moment. I'm sure I have never looked happier.
It had been years since we'd spoken. Not that there was ever a falling out, but that it's not easy to maintain a friendship when living in different cities and coming from different generations. Yet we talked with the comfortable familiarity one would find between long-term lovers or close family.
It was nothing more than a chance encounter and nothing less than fateful. I fell asleep in his lap that night.
It is that look; the look he had when he saw me for the first time in years, that I've been dying to see again in someone (anyone) whom I care for. A look that gives me a feeling not of being needed, but of being fully appreciated and wanted.
I didn't realize until well after the fact (read: while writing this) that his look and the feeling that came with it were exactly what I was looking for when I opened the door of my basement apartment on December 26th, 2009.
The person on the other side of the door had an undeniable look of happiness, relief and whatever other emotions that came with being reunited with someone you love, but it was not the same.
It was not innocent.
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