Dear Veronica,
I'm bi. Married to straight. I just came out a year ago to him. He encouraged my getting a girlfriend, and helped me in several ways (eg, setting up an online dating account for me and in meeting with a friend to explore her sexual interest in me). I suspect his zeal was due in part to a fantasy to participate in a threesome with me and my girlfriend, though he denies that motivation (mostly).
We have been together for 15 years. Married young. Still love each other very much. I had a secret fling with a woman several years ago, which I confessed to hubby when I came out to him. We also lived apart for a year about 10 years ago (me in Toronto, he in Halifax), and had been having marital troubles. I had a relationship with a man for 6 months of that year, which I also confessed. He has not confessed any extramarital relationships, though I truly believe he has had 1 or 2.
He has been generous, as he reminds me, in allowing me to explore outside the marriage with several women during the past year (since I came out to him). He would like to have a girlfriend now too, but I am having a very hard time with the concept. He says it will happen, b/c he would be a fool otherwise, so I should give my consent. I guess I'm scared shitless, and I can't rid myself of the images of him having sex with another woman (it makes my stomach hurt). Would it mean that my relationship with him is not as special? Would the other woman be 'better' than me? Would he do more fun things w/ her (our sex life is special, passionate, and super FANTASTIC - which leads to another question: why does he need someone else if his needs are met by me?) Would I reject him after he has sex with another, b/c of the images in my head? Would he compare our sex with their sex? Am I being an asshole by not being 'generous'? Is it different, my having a girlfriend vs him having a girlfriend?
SO CONFUSED AND UPSET. Need advice. Thank you!
TM
p.s. -- I have said 'yes' to some exploration: a threesome with my girlfriend, his exploration with a man (which he found he didn't enjoy), a play date with another couple, and a few visits to a 'swingers club'.
TM,
You seem to have a very touchy situation on your hands.
The impression that I'm getting is that he is resentful towards your extramarital relationships and has reached a point where he feels that he's being played a fool. I'm not sure if his motivation is that of revenge, curiosity or perhaps something else, but him telling you that "it's going to happen, you may as well give your consent." is not conducive to a healthy relationship. It sounds like he's been harbouring a lot of hurt and resentment towards you and this is how he wants to let it out, by settling the score. This is not fair to you, but it is something you will have to work through.
Generally, in my opinion, if you're going to be opening up your relationship, it's only fair for both partners to be allowed to experiment with others. However, from what you've said, you're only looking to have outside relationships with women. Obviously women are offering you something that your husband cannot. In that respect, it would only be fair for you to allow your husband to experiment with other partners who can offer him something that you can not (ie, a male partner, fetishes that are outside your boundaries, etc.). Where you draw the line of what activities he can pursue outside of your marriage is something you need to discuss together.
I think it's only fair that you concede to him experimenting with other partners, so long as you want to continue to do the same, but boundaries for each of you must be carefully discussed and implemented.
If you're truly uncomfortable with him having other partners, then it's not fair for you to have them. It would seem that this is something that has been bothering him for a long time and this is his way of dealing with it.
Tell him all the things you've told me, try to come to a decision together. Whatever you decide, what's important is that you are both happy and fulfilled, even if it means making sacrifices or going separate ways. I sincerely hope that you can reverse the damage that's been done to each other and figure out whatever arrangement you need to to continue on in your happy, fulfilling marriage.
Have a question or need advice on relationships, sex or sexual health? Email Veronica: ask.raw.knee@gmail.com
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
If I say I'm looking at a reflection in your glasses, it's to cover that I'm trying to peer in to your soul
I will never forget the look in his eyes.
The way he tried to hide the full extent of his joy.
I wish I had looked a little closer at my own reflection in his oversized glasses. I think I had the same expression of glee, but I don't know for sure. I could feel my cheeks using a muscle that is reserved for the most joyous of smiles, I know I returned the sentiment in my own way, I just wish I knew what I looked like in that moment. I'm sure I have never looked happier.
It had been years since we'd spoken. Not that there was ever a falling out, but that it's not easy to maintain a friendship when living in different cities and coming from different generations. Yet we talked with the comfortable familiarity one would find between long-term lovers or close family.
It was nothing more than a chance encounter and nothing less than fateful. I fell asleep in his lap that night.
It is that look; the look he had when he saw me for the first time in years, that I've been dying to see again in someone (anyone) whom I care for. A look that gives me a feeling not of being needed, but of being fully appreciated and wanted.
I didn't realize until well after the fact (read: while writing this) that his look and the feeling that came with it were exactly what I was looking for when I opened the door of my basement apartment on December 26th, 2009.
The person on the other side of the door had an undeniable look of happiness, relief and whatever other emotions that came with being reunited with someone you love, but it was not the same.
It was not innocent.
The way he tried to hide the full extent of his joy.
I wish I had looked a little closer at my own reflection in his oversized glasses. I think I had the same expression of glee, but I don't know for sure. I could feel my cheeks using a muscle that is reserved for the most joyous of smiles, I know I returned the sentiment in my own way, I just wish I knew what I looked like in that moment. I'm sure I have never looked happier.
It had been years since we'd spoken. Not that there was ever a falling out, but that it's not easy to maintain a friendship when living in different cities and coming from different generations. Yet we talked with the comfortable familiarity one would find between long-term lovers or close family.
It was nothing more than a chance encounter and nothing less than fateful. I fell asleep in his lap that night.
It is that look; the look he had when he saw me for the first time in years, that I've been dying to see again in someone (anyone) whom I care for. A look that gives me a feeling not of being needed, but of being fully appreciated and wanted.
I didn't realize until well after the fact (read: while writing this) that his look and the feeling that came with it were exactly what I was looking for when I opened the door of my basement apartment on December 26th, 2009.
The person on the other side of the door had an undeniable look of happiness, relief and whatever other emotions that came with being reunited with someone you love, but it was not the same.
It was not innocent.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The best sex toy cleaner
I'm often asked what is the best way to clean your sex toys.
The answer isn't as simple as you might think. It really depends on what kind of toy you are talking about and what the surface is made of.
For the point of this post, I will be covering how to clean insertibles (butt plugs, dildos, vibrators, etc)
The best sanitizing method for pyrex or silicone toys that DO NOT have a motor or any electronic parts in them is to boil them. Make dildo soup once a month by throwing your toys in a pot of water, bringing it to a boil and letting them boil for about 5-10 minutes. Some sources will tell you to clean these toys in the dishwasher. I'd advise against it - the harsh soaps that you use to clean your dishes will leave residue on your toys that could cause you to have a bad reaction. I suppose you could run the dishwasher with nothing but your toys in it and refrain from using soap, but that would be a shameful waste of water!
Remember that only pyrex and silicone toys can be boiled. Latex/jelly and acrylic toys are not built to withstand those temperatures!
So, what to do with your cheaper toys and toys with motors? The thorough way of cleaning them is to use a warm, wet washcloth and unscented, anti-bacterial hand soap. Take the batteries out first and be very careful not to get water in the battery compartment. Most battery-operated toys are waterproof when used correctly, but that's no reason to be careless or submerge your toy under water.
What I usually recommend to everybody is to get some hand sanitizer and keep it with your toys for a quick cleanup after each use. Hand sanitizer is almost pure alcohol, it will kill 99.9% of the germs and bacteria on your toys (at least that's what the label says...); it dries quickly and is very handy for when you just want to roll over and go to sleep.
The only problem with hand sanitizer is that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find the straight-up alcohol kind. Make sure you use one that is not coloured, scented or containing vitamin E or aloe.
You may need to clean your toys, but you don't need to moisturize them.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Buttsex? But, sex!
The following is another of one of the same questions I am constantly being asked. Although it may be a little redundant to keep answering them in my columns and blog, it's a question whose answer needs to remain visible and accessible.
How do the boyfriend and I go about anal without it hurting like hell? He really wants it but I don't want the pain.
Anal sex is not supposed to hurt. If it hurts, you're doing it wrong.
Rule number one: LOTS OF LUBE. When it comes to anal, there is no such thing as too much lube.
Rule number two: RELAX. There are two sphincters in your lower colon. You have far more control over the one on the outside, let it be loose. The second will follow. Most people walk around at all times with their assholes clenched tight. This is not healthy! Learn to relax your butt.
I would never recommend having anal sex while drunk, especially not for the first time, but having a drink or two, and only a drink or two, could help loosen you up all over. This includes your inhibitions and your sphincters.
Rule number three: COMMUNICATION. Go slow. Verbalize your feelings to your partner. Whoever is on the bottom needs to be in control. The bottom needs to say exactly what feels good and what doesn't. They need to dictate the depth and speed of the penetration. The top needs to oblige the bottom for buttsexing to be successful.
Rule number four: CONDOMS. Bums are yucky. Also, the fragile anal tissue is more prone to tearing than vaginal tissue is. If you're doing it right, there shouldn't be any tears, but just in case - be safe! Broken skin on one's genitals is the easiest way to transfer an STI or STD. A condom will greatly prevent this possibility.
The best way to prepare or "train" yourself for anal sex is to stimulate the outside of your anus, either on your own or have a partner do it. Use lube and your fingers. When you're ready, slide a single finger in and get used to that feeling. Try using plugs and vibrators of varying size to get yourself used to having something a little larger up there.
Finally: Even though anal sex can be uncomfortable, it should never hurt. If it hurts, stop. Pain is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong. Don't let it stop you from trying again, though. It's possible that the person doing the penetrating has been blessed with a penis that is just too damn big to fit in your butt. Lucky you. Enjoy it where it actually fits.
How do the boyfriend and I go about anal without it hurting like hell? He really wants it but I don't want the pain.
Anal sex is not supposed to hurt. If it hurts, you're doing it wrong.
Rule number one: LOTS OF LUBE. When it comes to anal, there is no such thing as too much lube.
Rule number two: RELAX. There are two sphincters in your lower colon. You have far more control over the one on the outside, let it be loose. The second will follow. Most people walk around at all times with their assholes clenched tight. This is not healthy! Learn to relax your butt.
I would never recommend having anal sex while drunk, especially not for the first time, but having a drink or two, and only a drink or two, could help loosen you up all over. This includes your inhibitions and your sphincters.
Rule number three: COMMUNICATION. Go slow. Verbalize your feelings to your partner. Whoever is on the bottom needs to be in control. The bottom needs to say exactly what feels good and what doesn't. They need to dictate the depth and speed of the penetration. The top needs to oblige the bottom for buttsexing to be successful.
Rule number four: CONDOMS. Bums are yucky. Also, the fragile anal tissue is more prone to tearing than vaginal tissue is. If you're doing it right, there shouldn't be any tears, but just in case - be safe! Broken skin on one's genitals is the easiest way to transfer an STI or STD. A condom will greatly prevent this possibility.
The best way to prepare or "train" yourself for anal sex is to stimulate the outside of your anus, either on your own or have a partner do it. Use lube and your fingers. When you're ready, slide a single finger in and get used to that feeling. Try using plugs and vibrators of varying size to get yourself used to having something a little larger up there.
Finally: Even though anal sex can be uncomfortable, it should never hurt. If it hurts, stop. Pain is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong. Don't let it stop you from trying again, though. It's possible that the person doing the penetrating has been blessed with a penis that is just too damn big to fit in your butt. Lucky you. Enjoy it where it actually fits.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Fare Well, My Love.
I am the type of person who always has music on. It's not just for ambiance. I like to attentively listen to the heartbeat that is the bassline, the palpitations of the drums and the salacious sound of a human being using their voice as an instrument, turning poetry in to a whole new art.
I know, I know. I'm an artsy-fartsy sap.
Sometimes I get fixated on one song that, excuse the cliché, speaks to me.
Today it was "Four Letter Word" by Gossip.
After listening to it 19 times, according to my iTunes play count, I decided to press that handy little Genius button that creates a playlist for you.
Most Genius playlists are unimpressive and lackluster. This one, however, was so perfect that I listened to the whole thing without skipping a song and nearly cried at the end as The Kills' Black Balloon played. I'm not one to cry, ever. Bad girls don't cry.
This is my playlist.
Love it.
I do. More than I've loved anything in a long time.
Four Letter Word - Gossip
Tape Song - The Kills
Hold On - Hot Chip
Teeth - Lady Gaga
Taste In Men - Placebo
Heavy Cross - Gossip
Get Myself In To It - The Rapture
Feel The Love - Cut Copy
Front Row - Metric
Careless Whisper - Gossip
Of Moons, Birds and Monsters - MGMT
Jimmy - M.I.A.
Konichiwa, Bitches - Robyn
No Wow (MSTRKRFT Remix) - The Kills
Without You I'm Nothing - Placebo feat. David Bowie
In The Privacy Of Our Love - Hot Chip
The Bitter End - Placebo
Hearts On Fire - Cut Copy
Whoo! Alright-Yeah...Uh Huh - The Rapture
Man - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Pop Goes The World - Gossip
Where Is Home? - Bloc Party
Sex Bomb - Spinnerette
Nantes - Beirut
Black Balloon - The Kills
It is these last two songs that sum up the whole playlist and tug on my heart strings. If you're only going to look up 3 of these songs, please pick the first one and the last 2.
I know, I know. I'm an artsy-fartsy sap.
Sometimes I get fixated on one song that, excuse the cliché, speaks to me.
Today it was "Four Letter Word" by Gossip.
After listening to it 19 times, according to my iTunes play count, I decided to press that handy little Genius button that creates a playlist for you.
Most Genius playlists are unimpressive and lackluster. This one, however, was so perfect that I listened to the whole thing without skipping a song and nearly cried at the end as The Kills' Black Balloon played. I'm not one to cry, ever. Bad girls don't cry.
This is my playlist.
Love it.
I do. More than I've loved anything in a long time.
Four Letter Word - Gossip
Tape Song - The Kills
Hold On - Hot Chip
Teeth - Lady Gaga
Taste In Men - Placebo
Heavy Cross - Gossip
Get Myself In To It - The Rapture
Feel The Love - Cut Copy
Front Row - Metric
Careless Whisper - Gossip
Of Moons, Birds and Monsters - MGMT
Jimmy - M.I.A.
Konichiwa, Bitches - Robyn
No Wow (MSTRKRFT Remix) - The Kills
Without You I'm Nothing - Placebo feat. David Bowie
In The Privacy Of Our Love - Hot Chip
The Bitter End - Placebo
Hearts On Fire - Cut Copy
Whoo! Alright-Yeah...Uh Huh - The Rapture
Man - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Pop Goes The World - Gossip
Where Is Home? - Bloc Party
Sex Bomb - Spinnerette
Nantes - Beirut
Black Balloon - The Kills
It is these last two songs that sum up the whole playlist and tug on my heart strings. If you're only going to look up 3 of these songs, please pick the first one and the last 2.
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